Why I can't believe

The season of Lent is here. And no matter how you personally observe, it is a great time for personal reflection of your faith and your beliefs. Or maybe your lack of faith and lack of beliefs?

Even as a person who grew up in church I am starting to realize I have no idea what I believe.

Let me try again.

 I believe it is better to love than hate. I believe Jesus died for me and I am a child of God. I believe Christians desire and need community. I believe in grace. I believe I don't have to have all the answers.

It's not like I've never read my bible. I've been to youth group. I read the books. I did the bible study classes. But if I'm being really honest, which is what I'm trying to do. I have a tendency to "believe" the last passionate speaker I heard when it comes to doctrine. If that is the right word? What I mean is the absolute rights and wrongs. Are there absolute rights and wrongs? I feel grey.

And, again just being honest, I am kinda jaded about it all. I went through a time (past 4-5 years) where I was so sick of being told what is right and wrong, while seeing elitism, pretension and falsity in the church. I was kinda done. I was content to be loving toward others, trying to be a decent human being and teaching my child that God loved us. I was content not attending a church because every time I was there I was judging and questioning. Not in a good inner way, but a very very bad "I don't believe you" way.

Disclaimer: The churches we went to were great. The people were great. No one person or thing hindered my belief. I just never fit. I was the problem I assure you. Like I said, jaded.

So this summer we tried a new church. Again. It has been 6 months and I have to say, I'm diggin' it. It's different.

First of all the mission is geared to our city. Hello! Let's address the pain and brokenness of Memphis, the city I live in, that I happen to love. Yes! B. It is in my neighborhood. What a concept, get to know your neighbors, love your neighbors, improve your neighborhood. And finally, they are real. The pastor doesn't preach in platitudes. No one pretends this is the way it's suppose to be. No one thinks we are just suppose to be Christians on Sunday morning.

So I still don't have my beliefs straight. I still doubt. I feel hypocritical. I feel judgy. But that's what Lent will be for me. I am admitting. I am giving up my pretensions. Facing the reality that I am lost. But I know the good news, so I'm on my way.

If any of this rang true to you I would love to have you join us Sunday. We are starting a new series called Why I can't believe.

If you have a church home where you are happy but you have questions in your heart, there is a podcast each week. Access it and more information on Christ City Church here.