Yield and Trust

This year has sucked. I mean adulting is hard for everyone right? But this year has sucked. It feels sacrilegious to admit that out loud which is why it has taken me a year. I have a beautiful little girl. I have an amazing husband. and I have a wonderful job. What do I have to complain about?!?!? My life is great.

In the past I have known when I am anxious and depressed the canned solution is to count my blessings. Gratitude is the antithesis of despair. And I have desperately clung to that. I have reminded myself of God's goodness and grace at every turn. And yet, life is tragic and sometimes things are just sad. 

In August 2016 I was finally pregnant. After 6 years of trying and waiting I was with child. For seven weeks, only one known to me, I carried a sweet little life. But on August 21st in the wee hours of the morning that life left me. 

It is sad. It hurts. I wanted that baby. I had prayed for that baby. 

Shortly after that our sweet family lost our cousin Gray, and I had two close friends lose parents. 

It is sad. It hurts. Death stings.

In February personal hurt struck again. A very private sadness hit our lives that we were in no control over.

It is sad. It hurts. I wanted more for my friends, I wanted more for my church.

Since then I have again experienced significant loss in a mentor and friend. 

Meanwhile life was hard all on it's own. Work has ups and downs. Kids try your heart and your patience. And homes never stay in one piece for long (thanks tree limbs).

What can we do with this. 

Well, I have walked several avenues..I have tried seeking comfort. This entails eating a lot of bad food and watching a lot of bad tv to dull the pain. I have tried being in control, this looks like intense house cleaning sessions, hard workouts and unrelenting standards for myself and those around me. I have tried pride, being the best at work, the best at home...the happiest, the funniest. And I have tried anger, sulking, venting and good ol' pity partying.

I can say comfort, control, power and anger have not satisfied. No idol can soothe me. 

So, after a school year of surviving, I am ready to turn the page. I want to thrive. And so I do the work. I go to counseling (don't get me started on how much I believe EVERY adult needs this), I journal (as you are witnessing, sorry for the TMI), I pay attention to my health, trying not to obsess, but maintain. And I confide, again TMI, but seriously we have to say some of these things out loud! 

Miscarriage, death, deception, manipulation and disappointment exist in this broken world. If we are going to power through we have to admit to others "I am human and this hurts can you walk with me in this pain?"

Another coping mechanism has come in the form of study. I have to remind myself of truth, even when it doesn't feel true. God is good. God is faithful. God is in control. 

This has led me to my latest "shocking" (for some) choice.  I got a tattoo. Yep. I permanently changed my body. This is shocking if you know me well. I have always been anti tattoo. Not really for others just for me. I never "got it." Why would you permanently scar your body? What could be important enough you would tattoo it on your skin forever? Then I lived this year. And sometimes words are big enough you need to remember them forever. You may think I'm crazy (mom) and that's okay. But these words made sense to me, and I wanted them to be part of me. And now they are.

"Self is the opaque veil that hides the Face of God from us. It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction. As well try to instruct leprosy out of our system. There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free. We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us. We must bring our self-sins to the cross for judgment. We must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Saviour passed when He suffered under Pontius Pilate. Let us remember: when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free. Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy "acceptance" from the real work of God. We must insist upon the work being done." 
from "The Pursuit of God" by A. W. (Aiden Wilson) Tozer

Take heart friends! And if you need a tattoo ...I'll go with you.

Essentials: Getting Oily

I'm sure you are all already aware of the new health craze called "essential oils." It didn't take much for me to get interested, we all know I'm a bit susceptible to marketing. But for reals, a lot of close friends really seemed to be benefitting from these expensive little bottles, and I was curious.

I jumped in by purchasing a starter kit. It included 11 "everyday oils" and a diffuser. Oils range in price from about $12 to over $100 per bottle {depending on the oil and how hard it is to "harvest"}, and diffusers {which pumped the healthy oils into your air} are between $75-$200. So grabbing this kit for $150 seemed like a good deal. And if it didn't work, it was just a really expensive air freshener.

So,  I got my kit and started slathering on the oil right away, whatever they said they were for, I tried it. Bruise? Lavender promptly applied. Ollie had a flea, let me get the purification. My friend had sinus congestion? Ravinsara to the rescue. I won't bore you by breaking down all the oils I use or how, that's what pinterest is for, but as you can tell, I'm addicted. LIKE LOVE THEM!

I've had my kit since October, and the Washburn's have been to the dr. exactly 0 times. ZERO. Of course now that I out that in print, we will all get sick. No really, every time the slightest thing comes up, I grab my oils. Wesley had a fever and a cough last week, oiled her up for 24 hours {thieves, peppermint}, fever and cough gone. Matt had a migraine, oiled him up  {peppermint, deep relief}...bye bye headache. I suffer with hormonal acne...you guessed it, oils to the rescue {lavender, tea tree, frankincense} and I'm really seeing a change in my skin finally! And just let someone whisper they can't fall asleep....lalalalalala lavender.

So here's my true life, no bull assessment. Oils make me super happy, and I will use them everyday for all kinds of things. But, oils should not replace healthy, modern medicine for the big stuff, although I will argue keeping the little stuff in check helps keep the big stuff away.

So, I promise {Matt}, I won't choose lavender over stitches if my kid busts her head open {again} BUT...if oils keep me from running to chemical-laden quick fixes everyday AND keeps us out of germ ridden dr. offices for little illnesses, then I'll keep the oil flowing. And if Wee does ever need stitches again, I'll probably be rubbing Joy on her wrist.  Judge away. Or ask away.

Diary of a Bad Runner:: Week 2

Week 1 went well, not great but well. I got in 3 runs and a cross train.

My first run goal was 3 miles at 11 min pace. Well, I did the 3 miles but at
11:33 pace. No biggie.

Since I started blogging this journey to the half marathon, I also looked up an official training program to get me there. If you are currently training I highly recommend the Gipis app. I put in all my info and my current running level and it created a customized program tailored to my abilities.

According to that plan I needed to slow down. It seems counter intuitive, I was so focused on getting over the 4 mile hump, and improving my pace. But this program is all about endurance and stamina. So the next two runs I was assigned to 1.82 miles at a 13:44 pace. So slow! I couldn't do it.

On Saturday I hit the Green Line and did 2 miles in 20 minutes! I was so very proud. (Thanks Melissa Wheatley, it did help to get outside!) Unfortunately, Sunday when I went back out, I was so sore, my shins were killing me and my ankles were not happy at all. Turns out I should have tried it the right way and built up slowly. I did my 1.82 on Sunday at 11:44. It was pretty hilarious because the app talks to you while you run and she kept saying "Slower!" and "Slow down" but I couldn't do it! Not because I'm so fast, but because my music had a 10-11 min paced downbeat, I can't run off beat!

So this week's goals are 3 runs at 2.5 miles around a 13 min pace. And Matt and I are doing Zoom through the Zoo on Thursday night, which is a 4 mile race. I am hoping for around 45 mins to be my finishing time.

Are you training? How are you handling the heat? 

Diary of a Bad Runner:: Week 1

Well, I am officially signed up to run my first half marathon on December 7th.

It's not just any race, it's the St. Jude Marathon series, one of the most noble causes I can think of. Helping sick children get better while simultaneously not asking families to worry about paying a dime, kinda awesome, eh?

Before I start this post, here's my quick plea for support. My goal is $500. I have already raised $210! Please consider heading over to my page and donating $5 to a beautiful cause. The money all goes to St. Jude (of course) and it has really encouraged me to train harder when people publicly and financially support me.

Ok, on with the diary.

I am the very worst at running. Like the worst. Sometimes I start panting in the first mile. Truth. Even after years of couch to 5k programs and dedicated "training." After multiple charity races and even a summer spent at Shelby Farms with running coaches. I suck. But I love running. I do. I feel powerful when I am plodding along and gasping for breath. I love being outside and playing mind games with myself to get to the next intersection. I like how I feel after making it 3 miles without passing out.

So how is the very worst runner, who is stuck at the moment at 3.25 miles per run, going to get to 13.1? With you of course. There is something to be said for accountability. No, I'm not going to be posting every run on Facebook and twitter. Although, I know why we all do that, because you should be proud if you got up and ran when you really just wanted to lay down and watch the new "Nashville" (so good, right?!?)

But no, I'm going to be honestly reporting my journey here periodically. And I'm looking for some feed back. Not unearned praise, but maybe your tips and tricks. And maybe someone else who thinks they are the worst runner ever can feel encouraged. Cause that's why I'm trying it this year, because so many of you said--hey, you're not so bad, you can do this.

Training week 1:

Today:: I will run 3 miles on the treadmill at the Kroc. The goal will be 11 minute miles. I have been stuck at 11:32 for awhile so I would love to get it down to the minute.

**Here's a pro tip for those who are slow runners like me. Embrace it. I ran Saturday and kept running out of breath and energy, only made it 2.5 miles. When I checked my splits I was running 9:30 miles. That's why I had zero stamina. I am just a slow pace runner. But I'd much rather run 4 miles in 50 minutes steady, than 2 miles in 18 mins and have to stop. Anyone disagree? What should I be pushing for if my body seems comfy at 11:07 (5.4) on the treadmill?

Wednesday:: I'm going to cross train, either elliptical or bike and then weights.

Thursday:: Going for 3 more miles, treadmill, but maybe back at the 11:32 pace to take it easy.

Saturday or Sunday my first "long run" will be 4 miles long. Preferably outside and prolly real slow, my goal will be 12 min miles.

So that's the plan. Keep me honest. And let me know if you've been here before. What helped you get over the humps the most? 

P.S. Favorite song on the run this week : "All I do is Win"

My St. Jude Hero

Between birthday parties and anniversary celebrations. My husband squeezed in running 13.1 miles to raise money and awareness for St. Jude's children's hospital. This is Matt's second half marathon this year. And we all agree there should be a better name for them. Half marathon seems to imply you are taking the easy road. But I don't know anything easy about running for 2 hours straight for 13-friggin'-miles!  So here's the great pics from the day.

A tiny present the night before to get him excited

His official race shirt

Best buds watching their daddies give it their all

Here he comes at mile 7, looking strong! Sorry for the thumb in the frame, it's hard to catch a runner !

There he goes, only 6 miles left!

Waiting at the Redbirds stadium for Dad to run in

Matt and Jeff (friend, neighbor, training buddy) did it!!

A medal to prove it!

One of good friends did actually run the whole marathon. And his story of grace, renewal and hope is AH-mazing. You can read it here. 26.2 in 3hrs! Whoa!

To all our friends who ran the marathon, half, 5k, and 1-mile Thank you! We are blessed to have a healthy child and we give thanks for her, but so many are facing so much pain and illness. This race is a beautiful way to support St. Jude and I'm so very proud of my husband our friends!

Mito Hero

This post goes nicely with my previous one. I mentioned that I like to "run." I never said I was good at it, I said I enjoyed it. I started running in college as a member of dance team. When you have to wear spandex uniforms in the daylight it gets you motivated to do a little cardio. But it was fun, because my best friend did it with me and we talked and the time passed. Then when Matt and I first got married we decided to run at least one race a month to stay healthy, we ran March, April, May, June and July....then not so much. We also trained for a half marathon and made it to 7 miles, but then my big toe turned black and we realized we spent all night, every night, running. No time hanging out as newly weds and we were miserable (from the excessive running, not the marriage).

So what I learned from these experiences is that I am a middle distance runner. I love running for fun. I will never win a race, or break a record. I will never run a marathon. And I am completely fine with that. I like to run, not to punish.

I am sharing this for a reason, here it comes. Because I enjoy running for running sake, and not just to watch my time. I like signing up for races that mean something. I want to feel like I accomplished something just by participating, not by winning. So for the past two years I have signed up for The Mito-What? 5k. It's not just a good cause, it's close to home. A very good (and talented) friend of mine organizes this race. She found out about Mitochondrial Disease because a girl in her dance class had a little brother with it. Turns out I went to high school with 3 of this little boys aunts and they are amazing people with outstanding faith. Angie did a little research and discovered there was no cure for this disease and even though every 30 minutes a child is diagnosed with Mito, not many people have heard of it. So she started to run for a cure.

This year there is a a program called Mito Hero. To be one all I have to do is raise $150. That means 15 people donate 10 bucks. It is similar to St. Jude heroes and the money goes straight to UMDF. I know there are so many worthy charities out there. And I know for a fact so many of you already give so much. So please don't feel obligated. I just know we can make a difference. And if you feel so led I would love to run for you if you donate. You can paypal my email address, or just write a check to UMDF. 

If you are a runner, you are probably better than me, and I would love to watch you run by on March 26th. It's only $20. Matt and I will be there!

Let's get Physical!

Like millions of others, I resolved yet again to get back to working out and eating healthy January 1st. It wasn't really a resolution, just more like getting back into life's normal routine after the holidays and in preparation for the spring and summer wardrobe.

But here is what I am noticing, I hate working out. Let me clarify, I love being outdoors, I love jogging and walking and biking. I love the elliptical machine, it makes me feel super human. I love any type of dance or step class with great music and friends. I hate building muscle. I hate lifting weights of any kind. I hate squats, they are particularly from the devil. And I HATE that shakey feeling in the middle of a "workout" when the trainer (tv) tells you to push through and do 3 more.

So right about now your thinking I should just do the parts I like right....well, here comes my problem with that. It's cold outside AND I have a toddler. Those two complications make all the kinds of exercise I like difficult. They require being outdoors thus putting your baby in the elements (bad parenting) OR making my husband take the baby by himself 3 nights a week while I trot off to the gym for a class or machine, when I haven't seen her all day as it is (bad mom).

So I should do a workout DVD at home right? Then I can do it in the morning before everyone wakes or in the evening while still spending time at home with my family. But all the workouts on DVD are squats and weights and blah blah blah. I can make myself do it about once or twice a week, then I am totally done with it.

This is what I need from you:

1.How do you find time to work out with work and family on your plate?

2.What do you do that you enjoy?

3.What motivates you to stick with it, because right now I'm thinking the extra 10lbs may just have to stick around....even though I despise them. What makes you push through for 3 more?

PS.I know the answer to all of these questions, I know what I should do. I just need to hear you say it. Maybe your way makes more sense and will get me off the couch.