Thirteen can be an unlucky number for some. There are no 13th floors in some skyscrapers. Horror movies are named for the 13th. And, there is even an official term for many people who fear the number thirteen :: Triskaidekaphobia.
But right now, thirteen is a sweet number. Yesterday, I ran 13 miles for St. Jude. It was my 3rd time and maybe my last...we'll see, I said that last time too. The race is so special to me and I love being a small part of fundraising for St. Jude.
I really love running but for some reason long distances never get easy, at least not to me. On long runs, I get in my head about not being fast enough, not training enough...just not being enough.
This year I really wanted Matt to run with me. He has run several half marathons, and I decided, on my own, this would be the coolest way to celebrate our wedding anniversary this year. I told you 13 was a sweet number, and on 12.4.2017 we will have been married 13 years.
So, I had this vision of us running in together-- 13 miles for 13 years. Too cute right?!
Unfortunately, I didn't listen to what Matt wanted, which was not to run 13 miles. You see he doesn't love long distance running. But, he signed up anyway because he loves me, even though I ignored him.
In the end, he didn't train and he really didn't want to get hurt or be miserable by making himself run.
What he did instead was grab his bike and followed me all around Memphis to cheer me on. He took my sleeves when it got hot, gave me GU packs when I was depleted, supplied fresh headphones when batteries died and told me I looked strong when I felt very, very weak. He was there for 13.
Yesterday, I was given a great anniversary gift. I was shown for 13 miles I am enough for him and he is enough for me. We can do what we love individually and magically it can be for each other.
I don't have to write a perfect day in my head, because we already have all the imperfections that we love about each other, that make us our own version of perfect. Making it thirteen years is about showing up... when you're sad, hurt, angry, lonely or glad...you're still there. Some days are like mile 12, you feel done, you haven't trained for this and you want to retreat, but then you look up and he's there with water and says...you look good, and you make it to 13.
Happy Anniversary love. Thank you for showing up, and for bringing headphones.
This year has sucked. I mean adulting is hard for everyone right? But this year has sucked. It feels sacrilegious to admit that out loud which is why it has taken me a year. I have a beautiful little girl. I have an amazing husband. and I have a wonderful job. What do I have to complain about?!?!? My life is great.
In the past I have known when I am anxious and depressed the canned solution is to count my blessings. Gratitude is the antithesis of despair. And I have desperately clung to that. I have reminded myself of God's goodness and grace at every turn. And yet, life is tragic and sometimes things are just sad.
In August 2016 I was finally pregnant. After 6 years of trying and waiting I was with child. For seven weeks, only one known to me, I carried a sweet little life. But on August 21st in the wee hours of the morning that life left me.
It is sad. It hurts. I wanted that baby. I had prayed for that baby.
Shortly after that our sweet family lost our cousin Gray, and I had two close friends lose parents.
It is sad. It hurts. Death stings.
In February personal hurt struck again. A very private sadness hit our lives that we were in no control over.
It is sad. It hurts. I wanted more for my friends, I wanted more for my church.
Since then I have again experienced significant loss in a mentor and friend.
Meanwhile life was hard all on it's own. Work has ups and downs. Kids try your heart and your patience. And homes never stay in one piece for long (thanks tree limbs).
What can we do with this.
Well, I have walked several avenues..I have tried seeking comfort. This entails eating a lot of bad food and watching a lot of bad tv to dull the pain. I have tried being in control, this looks like intense house cleaning sessions, hard workouts and unrelenting standards for myself and those around me. I have tried pride, being the best at work, the best at home...the happiest, the funniest. And I have tried anger, sulking, venting and good ol' pity partying.
I can say comfort, control, power and anger have not satisfied. No idol can soothe me.
So, after a school year of surviving, I am ready to turn the page. I want to thrive. And so I do the work. I go to counseling (don't get me started on how much I believe EVERY adult needs this), I journal (as you are witnessing, sorry for the TMI), I pay attention to my health, trying not to obsess, but maintain. And I confide, again TMI, but seriously we have to say some of these things out loud!
Miscarriage, death, deception, manipulation and disappointment exist in this broken world. If we are going to power through we have to admit to others "I am human and this hurts can you walk with me in this pain?"
Another coping mechanism has come in the form of study. I have to remind myself of truth, even when it doesn't feel true. God is good. God is faithful. God is in control.
This has led me to my latest "shocking" (for some) choice. I got a tattoo. Yep. I permanently changed my body. This is shocking if you know me well. I have always been anti tattoo. Not really for others just for me. I never "got it." Why would you permanently scar your body? What could be important enough you would tattoo it on your skin forever? Then I lived this year. And sometimes words are big enough you need to remember them forever. You may think I'm crazy (mom) and that's okay. But these words made sense to me, and I wanted them to be part of me. And now they are.
"Self is the opaque veil that hides the Face of God from us. It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction. As well try to instruct leprosy out of our system. There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free. We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us. We must bring our self-sins to the cross for judgment. We must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Saviour passed when He suffered under Pontius Pilate. Let us remember: when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free. Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy "acceptance" from the real work of God. We must insist upon the work being done." from "The Pursuit of God" by A. W. (Aiden Wilson) Tozer
Take heart friends! And if you need a tattoo ...I'll go with you.
Have you heard of timehop? Of course you have, I'm late to the train. If by some chance you are later than me, I'll explain. timehop is an app that pulls data from all your social media accounts and everyday it sends you a little recap of your life on this day. I love timehop. Love it.
I mean how stinkin' fun is it to see the progression every morning. It's like a picture growth chart right on my tiny magic box every day.
But then of course I start to wonder. Is it good or am I obsessed? I mean is it normal to know/remember every detail of your life.
Have you ben watching Black Mirror? It's a British show about the negative effects of technology on our lives. It is very dark and very extreme. At first when you watch an episode it feels absurd, they've obviously distorted technology so much and made it into something awful, we would never let that happen. Would we?
In one episode, set in the not so distant future, everyone has memory implants. It's a tiny chip, called a grain, that holds everything in your life, every moment. Everything you do and say and see is there to review and relive. I won't spoil it for you, but needless to say this power has a costly effect on the people's relationships and emotional health. It was ridiculous to watch, but are we far from that.
Throwback Thursday, timehop, facebook archives....our last 8-10 years are all "backed up" for reviewing and reliving. Is that a good thing?
Well, I believe yes and no. Again, I LOVE timehop. I love pouring over every fat-cheeked picture of my girl from 3 years ago. I love that it reminds me to soak up time with her because it is most definitely flying by.
But, we are getting to a point where we hold on to too much information. We have access to too many memories, many of which aren't even our own.
The moral of my story, and my sermon to myself is, be selfish with your memories. Enjoy your life and your family and your friends. But guard your extra space, your heart and your emotions against being pulled into the constant flood of digital noise.
Again, preaching to myself. I struggle so much with this.
My goal- Stop spending your extra time reading everyone else's memories and make some of your own.
Once there was a time when I would write all the funny, meaningful, and down right weird things that happened in my life. And then came social networking. Facebook, twitter and instagram replaced storytelling with constant status updates and filtered photos of our precious life and I used my time to look at those updates constantly. These are not inherently bad things. Social technology has made some feel more connected over the years, and I believe I will continue to use it, but I don't know if I feel more connected lately, or just more aware, and I don't think those things are equal.
As I look back {thanks timehop, yes I see the irony} and I read blog posts of wonderful memories about wonderful people I see how real stories, that require more than 140 characters, really connect me to my memories. So, even if this is a journal just for me, I'm back.
Now that Wesley is a fully formed functioning kid we have stepped up our bedtime reading choices. Here are our favorite things to go through in the evening, that is when we aren't skipping them because we've been out late (again!) and we have to go to bed right now or you are going to be so sleepy tomorrow!! I mean....that never happens.
Anyway, first up isn't really a book but it does promote thinking skills and great conversations. It's called Q&A a Day For Kids. It gives a prompt or question every night, and then the questions repeat for 3 years. For example on February 5th it might ask "When were you proud of yourself recently?" and then you answer that same question in 2014, 15 and 16 and watch how your child's answers change and mature.
We started this activity in March of 2013, so we are about to start round two and I am very excited to see how she processes the questions as a 5 year old. When we first started I really had to dig some nights for answers that made sense. But after a few weeks I figured out the random answers were way better and completely stopped leading her. By December she even started answering for herself!
So after sticking with it for 11 months I give this bedtime book a big two thumbs up! And it runs about $12 on Amazon.
Our next go to is the Jesus Storybook Bible. This is by far my favorite bible for kids. And maybe even adults. We have been through it twice now and I tear up almost every night. The way that Sally Lloyd-Jones breaks down the passages in such an understandable way, that always points to Jesus, it's just fantastic. No more cheesy Daniel in the Lion's Den picture books that paint him as the hero, when God did all the saving! No more kids bibles scaring them into thinking you have to be perfect for God to love you by just saying over and over again how to be good and obey.
(disclaimer: I have never seen a kids bible that directly says that, I'm just saying sometimes that's how kids feel about the bible, and grown ups too)
If you don't own this book I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is just a wonderful way for children to process a very complex text deeply and on their level. There are a ton of resources out there that pair with it as well, if you are looking for more with an older child. It runs around $10 on Amazon.
My next favorite story we are reading a lot of right now is called Paper Bag Princess
For parents raising a little girl who is obsessed with all things princess, very much to our chagrin, this is the perfect book. Because when I say chagrin, I don't at all mean I don't love dress up, make believe, Disney, or girly girls. I don't like the superficial princess--- the one who has an attitude of entitlement or an idea that a Prince gives your life meaning. And I have to hand it to Disney, they have done a pretty great job flipping that stereotype lately with Princess and the Frog, Tangled and of course the end all be all Frozen! ( More on that one soon!)
So back to the book. I hate to ruin it for you, but **Spoiler Alert** the princess saves the day in this one. But that's not why I love it, because a lot of stories are doing that lately. I love it because not only does she save the Prince, she also exposes him for being superficial and entitled! When she gets to him, dirty, disheveled and left only wearing a paper bag he tells her to go fix herself up to look like a "real princess". To which she replies "Ronald, you look nice, your clothes are neat, your hair is fixed, you look like a "real prince"....but you are a bum." Love it!!
And FYI this story was published in 1980, so they were on it years before the princess craze!
It is $5 on Amazon, paperback, and I highly recommend it for girls and boys!
My last recommendation, for now, for children's story time is a set of cards my best friend Alexis got Wesley for Christmas. They are called Tell me A Story and there are actually several sets to chose from. We have the fairytale mix-ups set (because it has a princess card in it, duh!)
This is a great game with limitless possibilities for creativity. You just select a few pictures and then make up a story using those pictures for your child. It shows them they are allowed to create the story, which they need to be taught. They also start to notice sequencing and story structure- that all stories have a beginning, middle and end, which they will be expected to understand in Kindergarten.
After a few tries at it, pick cards for your child. Let them create a story for you. Wesley has never disappointed, she has come up with the most creative plot lines, I thought she would just regurgitate our stories or known stories for a while-- no way. She even does character voices, it is hilarious! In fact we all get so tickled some nights it actually turns into a bad bedtime habit because she can't calm down! Whoops...
These card sets run about $10 on....wait for it....Amazon.
These are the things we are reading/doing to keep bedtime fun and creative.
What are your favorites? Anything calming...cause that's were we are lacking!
I leave you with what she actually does at bedtime, in case you thought from this post we picturesquely sat and read and grew smarter every evening.
Nine years ago, on a warm December day, much like today actually, Matt and I got married. Looking back there are so many things I would change if I had to do over. I would have picked different bridesmaid dresses, sorry girls... I would have had simpler LIGHTER flower bouquets. I would have spent more money on a photographer with more experience. I would have had a bigger reception that everyone stayed at to dance the night away.
But I was so young. And really didn't want to spend a lot on one day. I think even then I knew the wedding wasn't the main event. It was just a fun formality. These nine years have proven that point. It was a great day. But it hasn't even come close to my favorite day with Matt Washburn.
Thank you to all the family and friends who were there to support us and who continue to play a huge part in our marriage. And thanks Matt, here's to 99 more.
Here 9 things I remember looking back.
My dress didn't fit. I had to tug all day because it kept sliding down. The bridal shop talked me into ordering a size up because they swore they ran small. But of course I dieted and exercised like crazy for my wedding day and by December 4th it was THREE sizes too big and we didn't have time or money to alter it. So in all the pictures it's sinking in instead of fitted. '
I was oblivious to what anyone else was doing all day. Apparently the flowers were wilted and someone fixed them, a bridesmaid forgot her ribbon sash and went to Hobby Lobby and bought/improvised another, my 3-year old brother in law got lost in a giant pile of leaves minutes before picture time. A cell phone rang during the ceremony. There was a tacky Christmas tree contest on the lawn in front of the chapel that day, I never noticed until this picture was developed. And someone, maybe a groomsmen, listened to the SEC championship game during the service on a head set.
Someone, that was not an actual lady of the night, wore a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit to my wedding, including fishnet stockings and thigh high black boots.
My mom's friend told me it wasn't too late to run while I was waiting to go down the aisle, and Matt's sister (also a bridesmaid) assured me it was indeed too late.
I forgot to put my veil over my face to walk down the aisle, after I had specifically bought a veil to do that with.
I shook and bounced up and down so much during the service during one of the prayers my pastor had to tell me to be still.
I got the giggles when that happened and couldn't stop laughing during the unity candle song.
Matt blew a snot bubble when he hugged my Mom at the end of the ceremony
We were both exhausted by the end of the ceremony and just wanted to lay down and watch Saturday Night Live. Which is what we did.
What a great day, as a matter of fact, I wouldn't change a thing.
Fall weather means it's time to spend as much of your life outside as you can! But being the technology junkies we are it means, moving things you love like Alabama football games and The Wizard of Oz outside with you.
Enter homemade drive in movie theater.
Here's how we did it, not rocket science. And it cost $0, because everything we needed we found around the house.
1 piece of plywood, laying in the attic. 1 white bed sheet, stuffed in a box in the attic. And a staple gun. That was our "screen"
Then I found hooks and metal rings in the basement that attached to the porch decking to hang the screen up.
Then we hooked up our projector to our laptop and voila!
And now that we have the set up, we are looking for every opportunity to get outside in nature and watch TV.
Like a kid's first "Wizard of Oz" experience!
But this time I ramped up the outdoorsy experience. I added a fire pit, hotdogs on a stick and marshmallows for roasting! That's downright camping y'all. I mean, as long as you define camping as having a bed, blankets, access to a fridge, bathroom and wireless internet, right?
I think I earned a merit badge on this one, for reals.
Norfork Lake that is. This Labor day weekend, that's what we did. And it was Wesley and I's first time ever. For her that makes sense, being that she's 4 and we don't live near a lake. But for me it was a little bit of a bigger deal.
See I'm not the bravest of people. I don't do heights, planes, open water, falling, roller coasters, or roaches to name a few things that send me over the edge. So jumping off a boat into open water that you cannot see through....a murky 100ft abyss that possibly had roaches.....Ok maybe I didn't think there were roaches, but still.
But here's the other side of it. I don't enjoy being a fearful person. I don't choose to lose control of the volume of my voice when I fly somewhere. I don't like having heart palpitations when swimming a few extra feet out at the beach. And therefore I certainly don't want Wee to get that from me. I want her to be safe, but not anxious. Anxiety is no fun.
And so I vowed to try new things at the lake and not be {openly} fearful.
Saturday morning we loaded up the boat and headed out. See how excited I am.
I actually did really enjoy being in the boat. Norfork Lake and the surrounding forrest and mountains are gorgeous. I could lay on the boat all day long. But about 30 mins in, the boat stopped and we dropped anchor and it was time to jump in. Moment of truth. The kids jumped right in. My sweet angel baby girl was in deep water without a care in the world.
And that was what inspired me to jump. Not a conscious choice to just "stop being scared" which is what my husband wants me to do all the time. Nope, I just transferred my fear. I was more afraid of having my 4 year old in the water without me, then me being in the water. And so I jumped.
The day continued. Everyone swam, and tubed and lived. And the weekend was a success. I am currently scouring websites for cabin deals, and craigslist for boats. So I say, "go jump in a lake!" You just may have the time of your life.
What did you do for Labor Day? Have you ever tried something you were terrified of, just to fall in love with it? What will you do for your kids even though you hate it?
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