Yield and Trust

This year has sucked. I mean adulting is hard for everyone right? But this year has sucked. It feels sacrilegious to admit that out loud which is why it has taken me a year. I have a beautiful little girl. I have an amazing husband. and I have a wonderful job. What do I have to complain about?!?!? My life is great.

In the past I have known when I am anxious and depressed the canned solution is to count my blessings. Gratitude is the antithesis of despair. And I have desperately clung to that. I have reminded myself of God's goodness and grace at every turn. And yet, life is tragic and sometimes things are just sad. 

In August 2016 I was finally pregnant. After 6 years of trying and waiting I was with child. For seven weeks, only one known to me, I carried a sweet little life. But on August 21st in the wee hours of the morning that life left me. 

It is sad. It hurts. I wanted that baby. I had prayed for that baby. 

Shortly after that our sweet family lost our cousin Gray, and I had two close friends lose parents. 

It is sad. It hurts. Death stings.

In February personal hurt struck again. A very private sadness hit our lives that we were in no control over.

It is sad. It hurts. I wanted more for my friends, I wanted more for my church.

Since then I have again experienced significant loss in a mentor and friend. 

Meanwhile life was hard all on it's own. Work has ups and downs. Kids try your heart and your patience. And homes never stay in one piece for long (thanks tree limbs).

What can we do with this. 

Well, I have walked several avenues..I have tried seeking comfort. This entails eating a lot of bad food and watching a lot of bad tv to dull the pain. I have tried being in control, this looks like intense house cleaning sessions, hard workouts and unrelenting standards for myself and those around me. I have tried pride, being the best at work, the best at home...the happiest, the funniest. And I have tried anger, sulking, venting and good ol' pity partying.

I can say comfort, control, power and anger have not satisfied. No idol can soothe me. 

So, after a school year of surviving, I am ready to turn the page. I want to thrive. And so I do the work. I go to counseling (don't get me started on how much I believe EVERY adult needs this), I journal (as you are witnessing, sorry for the TMI), I pay attention to my health, trying not to obsess, but maintain. And I confide, again TMI, but seriously we have to say some of these things out loud! 

Miscarriage, death, deception, manipulation and disappointment exist in this broken world. If we are going to power through we have to admit to others "I am human and this hurts can you walk with me in this pain?"

Another coping mechanism has come in the form of study. I have to remind myself of truth, even when it doesn't feel true. God is good. God is faithful. God is in control. 

This has led me to my latest "shocking" (for some) choice.  I got a tattoo. Yep. I permanently changed my body. This is shocking if you know me well. I have always been anti tattoo. Not really for others just for me. I never "got it." Why would you permanently scar your body? What could be important enough you would tattoo it on your skin forever? Then I lived this year. And sometimes words are big enough you need to remember them forever. You may think I'm crazy (mom) and that's okay. But these words made sense to me, and I wanted them to be part of me. And now they are.

"Self is the opaque veil that hides the Face of God from us. It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction. As well try to instruct leprosy out of our system. There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free. We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us. We must bring our self-sins to the cross for judgment. We must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Saviour passed when He suffered under Pontius Pilate. Let us remember: when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free. Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy "acceptance" from the real work of God. We must insist upon the work being done." 
from "The Pursuit of God" by A. W. (Aiden Wilson) Tozer

Take heart friends! And if you need a tattoo ...I'll go with you.

Back to the Future

Have you heard of timehop? Of course you have, I'm late to the train.  If by some chance you are later than me, I'll explain. timehop is an app that pulls data from all your social media accounts and everyday it sends you a little recap of your life on this day. I love timehop. Love it.

I mean how stinkin' fun is it to see the progression every morning. It's like a picture growth chart right on my tiny magic box every day. 

But then of course I start to wonder. Is it good or am I obsessed? I mean is it normal to know/remember every detail of your life.

Have you ben watching Black Mirror? It's a British show about the negative effects of technology on our lives. It is very dark and very extreme. At first when you watch an episode it feels absurd, they've obviously distorted technology so much and made it into something awful, we would never let that happen. Would we?

In one episode, set in the not so distant future, everyone has memory implants. It's a tiny chip, called a grain, that holds everything in your life, every moment. Everything you do and say and see is there to review and relive. I won't spoil it for you, but needless to say this power has a costly effect on the people's relationships and emotional health. It was ridiculous to watch, but are we far from that.

Throwback Thursday, timehop, facebook archives....our last 8-10 years are all "backed up" for reviewing and reliving. Is that a good thing?

Well, I believe yes and no. Again, I LOVE timehop. I love pouring over every fat-cheeked picture of my girl from 3 years ago. I love that it reminds me to soak up time with her because it is most definitely flying by. 

But, we are getting to a point where we hold on to too much information. We have access to too many memories, many of which aren't even our own. 

The moral of my story, and my sermon to myself is, be selfish with your memories. Enjoy your life and your family and your friends. But guard your extra space, your heart and your emotions against being pulled into the constant flood of digital noise. 

Again, preaching to myself. I struggle so much with this.

My goal- Stop spending your extra time reading everyone else's memories and make some of your own.

Intervention::Addicted to Costume Parties and Contests

At what point to you grow out of the dress up phase of life?

*Note::All pictures for this post were narrowed down to after college years, none involving a play or theater, we simply dress up a lot. If I included theater pictures we would be here all night. 

I don't think anyone who knows us will ever wonder again why dress up is Wesley's favorite game.

\

Yep, we have a problem...........

Remember the time I got married...

Nine years ago, on a warm December day, much like today actually, Matt and I got married. Looking back there are so many things I would change if I had to do over. I would have picked different bridesmaid dresses, sorry girls... I would have had simpler LIGHTER flower bouquets. I would have spent more money on a photographer with more experience. I would have had a bigger reception that everyone stayed at to dance the night away.

But I was so young. And really didn't want to spend a lot on one day. I think even then I knew the wedding wasn't the main event. It was just a fun formality. These nine years have proven that point. It was a great day. But it hasn't even come close to my favorite day with Matt Washburn. 

Thank you to all the family and friends who were there to support us and who continue to play a huge part in our marriage. And thanks Matt, here's to 99 more.

 Here 9 things I remember looking back. 

• My dress didn't fit. I had to tug all day because it kept sliding down. The bridal shop talked me into ordering a size up because they swore they ran small. But of course I dieted and exercised like crazy for my wedding day and by December 4th it was THREE sizes too big and we didn't have time or money to alter it. So in all the pictures it's sinking in instead of fitted. '

• I was oblivious to what anyone else was doing all day. Apparently the flowers were wilted and someone fixed them, a bridesmaid forgot her ribbon sash and went to Hobby Lobby and bought/improvised another, my 3-year old brother in law got lost in a giant pile of leaves minutes before picture time. A cell phone rang during the ceremony.  There was a tacky Christmas tree contest on the lawn in front of the chapel that day, I never noticed until this picture was developed. And someone, maybe a groomsmen, listened to the SEC championship game during the service on a head set.

• Someone, that was not an actual lady of the night, wore a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit to my wedding, including fishnet stockings and thigh high black boots.

• My mom's friend told me it wasn't too late to run while I was waiting to go down the aisle, and Matt's sister (also a bridesmaid) assured me it was indeed too late.

• I forgot to put my veil over my face to walk down the aisle, after I had specifically bought a veil to do that with.

• I shook and bounced up and down so much during the service during one of the prayers my pastor had to tell me to be still.

• I got the giggles when that happened and couldn't stop laughing during the unity candle song.

• Matt blew a snot bubble when he hugged my Mom at the end of the ceremony

• We were both exhausted by the end of the ceremony and just wanted to lay down and watch Saturday Night Live. Which is what we did.

 What a great day, as a matter of fact, I wouldn't change a thing.

Bandwidth Error:: Looking for Grace

Lately my brain has been giving me the error symbol. You know the spinny wheel that just goes and goes and then the program your running has to force quit. Sometimes it's a bug, but sometimes it's a memory problem. It's not that your computer can't remember, it's that it is so busy remembering everything else you can't start anything new, even if you really want to. You have to go in and close out other programs, empty your trash, and clean up your desktop before you can move forward.

That's me right now. In this phase of my life, my bandwidth is full. Every moment of my day is not full, but my mind is and I can't quite keep up with everything I'm suppose to anymore.

But here's the thing, I love it! It's a great phase.

My husband and I are best friends and we want time together to talk and laugh everyday.

I have a fun 5 year old (WHAT FIVE!) and she does fun things all day long that I want to be a part of.

I have a cool job, where are teach kids the joy of music and help them discover their own talents.

 I have an amazing church that I get to call my home, where I am reminded of the gospel and challenged to live it. I get to help lead our children's ministry with amazing volunteers and leaders.

I have a shameful amount of genuine, close friendships that others can only dream of, people I truly want to spend time with daily.

I love to craft and sew and make.

And I have a beautiful home that we have been in the process of reorganizing and redecorating.

Before

After

Oh and I want to run 13.1 miles on December 7th so I have to make time for training!

So right now this post sounds like bragging, but I'm just trying to be honest. When we rush around and talk about how stressed we are, how busy we are, how overloaded.....when we go in and try to figure out which "programs" should be closed to free up space and memory.....what do we mean?  I'm asking myself. Because lately when people ask me to do something my first response is "I don't have time" 'I'm too stressed." But I'm not too stressed.  I choose all the things I'm doing because I want to do them. Even if they run me ragged.

I ask simply for grace from family and friends. If I forget to call, or email, or blog, or I can't come to your get together that weekend. I'm not too stressed. I'm not to busy for you, in particular. I'm just living. I'm making room for as many programs as I can. Cause life is fun, and I want to magically do it all at 100%. But there are {cliche} only so many hours in a day.

So, I may be stretching my memory card, but that's not going to change any time soon.

How do you fit it all in? 

What helps you prioritize? 

What tools keep you on track to not forget anything?

Happy Friday

Just cannot help but smile when I watch either of these videos today. Be Happy. Teach someone to be awesome.

Go Jump in a Lake

Norfork Lake that is. This Labor day weekend, that's what we did. And it was Wesley and I's first time ever. For her that makes sense, being that she's 4 and we don't live near a lake. But for me it was a little bit of a bigger deal.

See I'm not the bravest of people. I don't do heights, planes, open water, falling, roller coasters, or roaches to name a few things that send me over the edge. So jumping off a boat into open water that you cannot see through....a murky 100ft abyss that possibly had roaches.....Ok maybe I didn't think there were roaches, but still.

But here's the other side of it. I don't enjoy being a fearful person. I don't choose to lose control of the volume of my voice when I fly somewhere. I don't like having heart palpitations when swimming a few extra feet out at the beach. And therefore I certainly don't want Wee to get that from me. I want her to be safe, but not anxious. Anxiety is no fun.

And so I vowed to try new things at the lake and not be {openly} fearful.

Saturday morning we loaded up the boat and headed out. See how excited I am.

I actually did really enjoy being in the boat. Norfork Lake and the surrounding forrest and mountains are gorgeous. I could lay on the boat all day long. But about 30 mins in, the boat stopped and we dropped anchor and it was time to jump in. Moment of truth. The kids jumped right in. My sweet angel baby girl was in deep water without a care in the world. 

And that was what inspired me to jump. Not a conscious choice to just "stop being scared" which is what my husband wants me to do all the time. Nope, I just transferred my fear. I was more afraid of having my 4 year old in the water without me, then me being in the water. And so I jumped.

The day continued. Everyone swam, and tubed and lived. And the weekend was a success. I am currently scouring websites for cabin deals, and craigslist for boats. So I say, "go jump in a lake!" You just may have the time of your life.

What did you do for Labor Day? Have you ever tried something you were terrified of, just to fall in love with it? What will you do for your kids even though you hate it?

Washington Day 2 &3

So this is going to be a very quick wrap up of the rest of our trip to D.C. Not because it wasn't fabulous, but more because it's taken me two weeks to finish this post, and more important things have since transpired!

So Day 2:

Museums!! We made it into the National Museum of American History soaking wet and barefoot, but it was worth wading through the water. This is the museum that houses the first flag, things George Washington really did eat with, wear and go to war with, and almost all of the inaugural gowns! Many exhibits had a strick no photo policy, but here are a couple of gems.

The ruby slippers from Wizard of Oz

Michelle Obama's gown from 2004

Next we made it to the Newseum. A museum dedicated to the history of reporting history. News is the front line after all. This museum was 7 stories, and almost impossible to get thorough in one afternoon but we saw so many amazing things. The highlights were the 9/11 exhibit, including the radio tour from the top of tower 1. The decades of original newspapers breaking histories biggest stories (some incorrectly!)The largest piece of the Berlin wall in existence. And the most extensive collection of Pulitzer Prize photos, which was the most emotional part of the museum for me, it's amazing how much emotion, horror, and truth good photographers can capture. If you are planning a trip, this museum is a must see.

News chopper 

FBI exhibit

Top floor of the museum with a gorgeous observation deck

After our museum day, we grabbed bikes and did a swing by the Obamas house before we cleaned up for dinner. Funny story. Check out the difference between these pics.

Yes, one is much closer than the other. I may or may not have biked a little closer than I was suppose to. No worries, I quickly moved away as the men with guns approached. I don't think I legally did anything wrong, I was just in the way of traffic to and from the White House. 

Other side.

From there we freshened up and headed for drinks and dinner in Dupont Circle. I'm sure it is a fabulous neighborhood, unfortunately for us the temps quickly started dropping at sunset, so we didn't see much of it we just found a warm place to eat and grabbed a cab to one more quick monument. The newest monument in Washington. 

It was very well done. I loved the way he seemed to be coming out of the stone. I wanted to walk the the Jefferson monument from there but Matt assured me we wouldn't make it before we froze to death. So instead we took a cab to the hotel.

Ok, I lied. I do have more to share about Day 3... I'll try tomorrow. But I can't promise there won't be an Olivia photo day soon!